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5/7/2007
Diets
3/18/2007
Fire and Hope are connected...
3/15/2007
Unfinished Business
3/7/2007
Revelation, Relaxation and Motivation!
3/1/2007
My biggest fear...
2/27/2007
Day 2 of my self healing
2/26/2007
My journey to self healing...
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Date: 5/7/2007
Title: Diets
So, I've been on a "diet" for 3 weeks now. Counting calories, logging them into a software program. I don't think I have lost a pound! I am eating less than 1400 calories a day and nothing! How frustrating!
I know, I know...exercise! Yes, every once in awhile I get motivated. But seeing the scale budge just a little bit would be great motivation!
Date: 3/18/2007
Title: Fire and Hope are connected...
The way the Greeks told it, Zeus put Prometheus and Epimetheus in charge of creating life on Earth. Epimetheus made the animals, giving out bonuses like swiftness and strength and fur and wings. By the time Prometheus made man, all the best qualities had been given out. He settled for making them walk upright, and he gave them fire.
Zeus, pissed off, took it away. But Prometheus saw his pride and joy shivering and unable to cook. He lit a torch from the sun and brought it to man again. To punish Prometheus, Zeus had him chained to a rock, where an eagle fed on his liver. To punish man, Zeus created the first woman - Pandora - and gave her a gift, a box she was forbidden to open.
Pandora's curiosity got the best of her, and one day she opened that box. Out came plagues and misery and mischief. She managed to shut the lid tight before HOPE escaped. It's the only weapon we have left to fight the others.
Date: 3/15/2007
Title: Unfinished Business
We have all of these shows on prime time dealing with ghosts and their "unfinished business". Medium, Ghost Whisperer, Supernatural, etc. maybe this is really something that happens to spirits that get caught between this life and the next.
But can it happen to people that are still living and breathing right here on earth?
If we haven't been able to take care of unresolved issues that haunt us, never getting that so needed closure, do we walk around aimlessly in an old life that no longer welcomes us into it?
If everyone was able to have closure, do they move on to a newer life? A better life?
I think we could learn something from the spirits that are supposedly walking around among us. Even the average person can't see them, the select few that do, know they are there.
So, why can't just a select few of us remain stagnant, waiting for someone to come along and lead us to our white light?
And, who would that person be? A Shrink? A new love? A small child? A stranger? A Friend?
I think we all need closure in our own way to move on, living and the walking dead the same. What happens when you can't get it? Do you just walk around doing what youhave to do to get thru the day? Haunting people by making them as miserable as you are hoping someone can show you the light?
I know I need closure and I don't know how to get it.
Maybe I need a medium....just a thought.
Date: 3/7/2007
Title: Revelation, Relaxation and Motivation!
Ok, so after days of soul searching, I realized I am heart broken over something that never really existed! It is more of a fantasy world that I dropped his face in the middle of. A hope for a future. The fact is, since there has never been anyone else, I never had that "rebound". That's why I still hold strong to old feelings and thoughts of what could have beens and the what ifs, and the If I onlys...
Not very comforting in the least. I guess I am wrapped up in the idea of the perfect family and a perfect family didn't mean step parents and other people raising your children or absent parents or all of the other things that come with it.
I just need to persevere.....keep pushing thru and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am young, I am smart, even attractive I would say. I don't have much self esteem or self worth at the moment, but I know that comes from all the years of being beaten down at every turn. It seems like I have lead a life of constant criticism at every turn. People telling me what to do, threatening my livelihood in some way if I didn't submit to demands.
Yep, it's time for me.
I need to learn to relax, love myself, take care of myself and hopefully everything else will fall into place.
When I was a little girl I thought 40 is so old. When I was 30 I thought 40 is so young! Now that I am approaching 40 I am torn! I guess it depends on my mood when I get there!
Date: 3/1/2007
Title: My biggest fear...
My biggest fear is the prospect of my ex reproducing! I suppose there's always a very strong possibility being he dates women so much younger than himself. We've had this conversation and he swears he doesn't want any more kids, but that changes when you are faced with the prospect of having one.
I would just be devastated.
Life for my children would never be the same. I would be jealous and resentful of this little baby that did nothing wrong other than being born...I feel like he/she would have all of the advantages and benefits of having a father that my children never had.
Just a random thought I needed to share...
Date: 2/27/2007
Title: Day 2 of my self healing
Well, I decided the only way for me to feel better is to start feeling better about myself. I started my 1086 diet yesterday. Not necessarily a diet, more like lots of diets combined. Actually got on my glider thingie last night which for the past two years only held other equipment on top, that I also never used.
I thought about seeing a therapist. More so to just help me figure things out. I figure I need feedback. And would it be so bad to pay someone to tell me how wonderful I am? I certainly don't get it for free anywhere else!
I have alot of anger and resentment. Even though I've tried very hard, it's still there, a constant in the pit of my stomach. Especially when things aren't going well for me, which as of late has been more often than not.
I actually thought about joining a gym. Great, in theory! But will I actually get up at 6am every day to go? I have no idea! I guess it depends on how badly I want to look and feel better.
I have never put much emphesis on looks but I guess things really are easier for skinny, pretty people. Maybe losing 50 lbs will make me feel better about myself, then I will want to go out, maybe without the extra weight, the chip on my shoulder won't be as prominant either!
Date: 2/26/2007
Title: My journey to self healing...
It has been said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Whoever said this, I wonder if he was really in love.
Have you ever been in love? Not puppy love, not lust. But a love that sends your heart racing, the butterflies whirling at just the thought of him? A love that makes you just plain giddy? A love that has transcended time and place?
I have, have you?
I have a love...
I ask, this love, does he feel the same? If he answers yes, all is right with the world. But when he answers no, does life really go on? I suppose for some, even most, the answer would be yes.
In my case the answer is no. It’s been many, many years and I have not been able to move on. My heart still aches for him every single minute of every single day. Sometimes the pain is truly unbearable and I want to do anything just to make the pain go away, but what? What can I do? Drinking isn’t the answer, drugging isn’t the answer, casual sexual encounters isn’t the answer. So what is there to do? Go to a therapist that I pay $150 an hour to tell me what a wonderful person I am? How I am smart and kind and beautiful inside and out? I know that, so it always leads back to the same question, what do I do?
To tell you the truth, our relationship was always one sided anyway; me giving, him taking. If you would ask him he would disagree. Actually, if you asked him, he wouldn’t even remember. But I remember, I remember every detail as if it were yesterday.
I reminisce in my own mind, but my memories that were once happy ones took on a whole new direction when I found out he never loved me in the first place, ever. All of a sudden even my memories had ulterior motives.
My heart is broken. Is there any way to mend? I have read all the books, heard all the speeches, tried all the “methods”, even looked into divine intervention. It’s just always there, a constant ache, at times overwhelming, but always there as a reminder of what I long for but can never have.
I constantly run the theory through my mind that it would be easier if he were not living anymore. I know, a selfish way of thinking. But death brings closure to situations. It forces you to deal with your feelings once and for all. To have someone walking around doing, seeing, living is something I am forced to witness every day.
I waited such a long time, he kept me waiting. Always giving me that slight glimmer of hope, never actually letting me go completely. He knew what he was doing. He knew he could keep me hanging on for years on end if he wanted. Was it premeditated? No, I don’t think so. Was it something he used freely at his will, absolutely.
I could sit here and drone on and on about the past 30 years of my life. The alcoholic mother, the father that suffered from Peter Pan Syndrome. The brother that got just a little bit more attention. All of which can keep me typing and in therapy for years and still I wouldn’t have said everything I’d want to say.
Instead I have made a decision today. I am going to work on mending my broken heart. The fact is, even if he were hopelessly in love with me, he still wouldn’t be the one to make me happy. I think it’s more of the case of wanting what you can’t have. (Which I am pretty sure is at least one reason why he doesn’t want me).
I digress. This is the beginning of my journey to self discovery, self esteem, self healing and any other issue I need to work on to make me whole again.
My heart is broken in a million pieces. It takes a long time to put a million pieces back together, but I have the glue in one hand, a mirror in the other and I am ready to start.
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